


Mother's Day Blues

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Series: SPN One-Word Bingo [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence from Jack in the Box, Feeeeeeeeeeeeeelings!!!, Gen, Jack Didn't Go In The Box, Jack Needs a Hug, Mother's Day, Sam Needs A Hug, healing process
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 00:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18928078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: How do you celebrate Mother's Day when your first act in life was to kill your own mother in childbirth, and then you accidentally killed your adoptive family's mother?MCD: canon death of Mary Winchester as a major plot driver.





	Mother's Day Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN One-Word Bingo  
> Square: Weeds

“Sam?”

Sam looked up from his book. The hesitance on Jack’s face broke his heart all over again. Ever since Dean had come oh so close to convincing Sam to betray Jack, to use Jack’s faith in Sam to lock him away, things had been awkward. Sam was trying, but he couldn’t look at Jack without remembering that Jack killed Mary. It was an accident, but yet again, Sam had lost his mother. Jack was beating himself up worse than Sam would ever be willing to do to him, but there was still that tension there. Meanwhile, Jack had forgiven Sam for the trap since Sam was the one who stopped it from working, but he couldn’t forget that Sam had started it. “What is it, Jack?”

“I was at the store today, food run, and the lady checking me out asked me what I was doing for Mother’s Day. I told her my mom was dead, but she said that wasn’t an excuse not to do something to honor her.” Jack paused, and Sam wanted to hug away the fear and grief he saw in his… in Jack’s eyes. He couldn’t. Things were still too awkward to just reach out like that. “I know that I shouldn’t be asking you of all people for help, but I really don’t have anyone to ask. Castiel never had a mother, and Dean… I really think Dean would kill me if I even mention the word mother around him right now. If he knew how.”

Now Sam did get up and hug Jack. It must have taken him a lot of courage to come and ask Sam for help on this. Jack was the reason Sam’s mom wasn’t there to celebrate Mother’s Day with. And that gave Sam an idea. Kelly didn’t have a grave, but neither did Mary – this time. “You know, when Mom died the first time, Dad didn’t know a lot of what we do now. There’s a grave in Lawrence. When I was a kid, Dad and Dean refused to even talk about her, let me do anything at all to recognize Mother’s Day, but when we moved into the Bunker here… I’d drive out to her grave on Mother’s Day if I could. Put flowers on it. Last year, when Mom was here, I didn’t, but I’m planning on going tomorrow. I tell Dean I’m going to Lincoln to pick up some stuff we can’t get in Lebanon, because the one time I asked him if he wanted to join me he nearly took my head off. Do you wanna come? It’s not your mom’s grave, but you could leave flowers there in honor of Kelly, and maybe leave some for Mom, too. It won’t exactly let you make your peace with her, but it might help.”

Jack looked up at Sam, eyes wide. “You… you’d let me do that? You’d take me with you? You’re not too mad about me… about what happened?”

“I’m mad, yes, but I know it wasn’t something you did on purpose. Thing is, I know Mom wouldn’t have been in that position if she weren’t worried about you, if she didn’t consider you family, and I can’t imagine that would change. Mom wouldn’t want us to hate you or hurt you or start excluding you from family things.”

 

On Mother’s Day, Sam woke up early. Jack was already awake, and had packed a cooler for the trip. All Sam had to do was get dressed and get on the road. “You know, Jack, I’ve met a lot of people without a soul. I’m not so convinced yours is 100% gone.”

“You’re not? Why not?”

“The one thing I have never seen in a soulless person is guilt. You’re showing some.”

“Not enough,” Jack said. “I feel it, but… not like before. I remember what it felt like when I still had all my soul, and this isn’t the same.”

“You might want to talk to Lily, see what it feels like to lose your soul little by little. I can easily imagine that as you lose your soul, you start losing touch with your emotions. If you have some left, it’s just a tiny bit. Of course your guilt wouldn’t feel like it used to.”

Jack thought that over. “Is there a way to check? To see if someone’s soul is there?”

“There is. It’s incredibly painful, but you might ask Cas if he’s willing to do it. If it’s just a tiny bit, he might miss it, you know. You’ll have to decide if the possibility of getting an answer is worth it.”

Jack nodded, and looked out the window in silence for the rest of the trip. Sam didn’t push him. Things were still too awkward.

 

When they got to the cemetery, Sam led the way to Mary’s grave. The weeds that had grown around it upset him, and he set to work clearing them. He and Jack worked together in silence until the grave was clear, and they could set their flowers out properly. Jack stared at the flowers, and Sam was reminded once again just how young Jack really was at the lost look in his eyes. “I’ve said goodbye. Several times. What do I say now?”

Sam reached out, fingers brushing Mary’s name on the stone. “Thank you? I miss you? Those are the things I would always say to Mom before she came back. In my case, it wasn’t exactly true… I didn’t miss Mom. I didn’t know Mom at all. I missed the idea of her, I missed what my family could have been with her, but how do you miss someone you never knew? You at least got to know your mom, somewhat. Do you remember any of that?”

“Feelings, mostly. I remember Mom making me feel safe, and trying to make her feel safe in return. When I died, I got to meet her that way, and she didn’t feel like a stranger.” A stricken look crossed Jack’s face, and he reached out to touch the lilies he’d brought to honor Kelly. “Mom, I’m so sorry. If… if my soul’s gone, then I won’t be going back to Heaven. I’m not gonna see you again. Even if Sam’s right, if a piece of my soul is still there, it may not be enough. I didn’t… I didn’t think about that. Didn’t realize until just now.” A tear rolled down his cheek, and Sam put an arm around his shoulders. “I love you, Mom. I miss you.”

Sam blinked back his own tears, holding Jack while Jack processed his realization. Once Jack was calmer, Sam took his turn. “Mom, I’m sorry. Three years, it’s more than I ever thought I’d get with you, and we kept missing opportunity after opportunity. I hope you knew that I love you, and that I’m proud to be your son. It meant more than I could ever say, getting to know you properly, and I’m glad you’re at rest now, with Dad. You deserve that.”

“Mary? I’m sorry to you, too. I messed up. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did. I killed you. I don’t think Dean will ever forgive me. I kind of want to hide, lock myself away somewhere safe, but Sam and Castiel both say it’s important to face consequences and clean up your mess. I don’t know how, but I have to try, at least. I’m sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

Jack’s face went blank, and then he was hugging Sam tight. Sam hugged back, hoping there would be an explanation, and he wasn’t disappointed. “Mary heard us. I don’t know how. Possibly because of me. Nephilim can create angels, maybe they can communicate with humans in Heaven. She prayed to me. I didn’t know you could do that from Heaven, but apparently you can. She said to tell you that her death is not your fault, that you were right to take the chances on me you did. And that she forgives me, and she’s proud of both of us for coming today.”


End file.
